WernerHerzblog

Do I call you toots?  No.  I do not call anybody by a silly nickname.  Nobody deserves silliness.  Not even those who bring it upon themselves.

Question:

What do the mice do when the snow storm hits?

Answer:

They spit at almighty God and persevere.

I do not have time to sit around and cry all day over the death of my friend Glübe. I do not have the luxury of shedding tears, instead I spit in anger. And what is more, I know who’s responsible for the death… NO I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT, THE MURDER OF GLÃœBE!!

You read this blog and I know who you are.

Somebody asked me today.  Supposing that you were besieged with miniature people, no more than five to six centimeters in height.  Would you pay extra special attention to what they demanded of you, seeing as how people this small are so extraordinary, or would you rather disregard them as nothing more than a product of a mental illness and walk away from them?

It would depend, of course, on what exactly they were trying to say to me, and whether or not their interests were aligned with mine.

As I was walking today I noticed from a distance a number of colorful diamonds in the sky, kites.  I decided that it might be fun to travel to the place from which they were flown.  It took me some time, but eventually I found them, the kite flyers.

I expected kinship, but when I came upon them I was appalled to see the children who held the strings, also held on to the basest of human attitudes, mockery and contempt.  For as their kites were flying in the winds above, their eyes were trained upon a man who had attempted and failed to set himself sail as a kite.  He had done this in a crude and haphazard fashion, but he had done it none the less.

I reprimanded one of the children.

“You should leave this poor man and his dreams alone.”

“He deserves nothing but scorn,” the child replied.

“I long to sail in the sky,” the man screamed into the winds.

“We have nothing but contempt for you!” The children all shouted.

“Rest assured,” I told the children, “this man has already flown higher than your kites will ever go.  His visions alone are worth far more than the lot of you.”

Just then a strong wind ripped across the hillside dislodging the childrens’ kites from their hands.  In the ensuing panic and scramble for their prized possessions, not one of them realized that the man they held in contempt had flown away.

There are some things I have been meaning to say, but I don’t think that you will be prepared to accept them.  You do not know what I have to say, but what I will not say.  You cannot imagine or even guess.  Stop trying.  You are making yourself look silly, trying to guess at what I know, when you don’t know, when you don’t even have the slightest idea what is in my head.  For this reason you do not deserve to know.

Maybe tomorrow I will tell you.

I was offered a drink called a Snapple Iced Tea yesterday. There was a sketch of the sun on the label. A note next to this sketch informed me that this picture was not to scale. Another reminder of how completely ignorant and gullible advertisers take us for. I refused this drink, even though I was severely dehydrated at the time. I have also noticed that certain toilet tissues use images of babies on their packaging. This is highly misleading, as babies are the only people who do not use toilet paper.

Thinking about this further, it could be said that certain invalids are also exempt from using toilet paper. I have no doubts that the severely disabled will soon appear on television extolling the virtues of various toilet papers.

No!

To: John Eck
President and Chief Information Officer
Media Works, NBC Universal

Dear Mr. Eck,

I feel it incumbent upon me to offer up the most steadfast and severe refusal possible in response to the suggestion in your recent letter to me that I participate in NBC’s new reality show So You Want to be a Toby.  For starters, with the exception of the show The Facts of Life, I find television sit-coms and reality shows to be regrettable.

Although it doesn’t matter to you, some of the scenes featured in the preview DVD you sent me were taken from a very serious documentary that a friend of mine was working on before he mysteriously died.  The conclusions that my late friend arrived at while completing this film were most important to the overall safety of us all.  You can see then why I want nothing to do with your bastardized version of my friends work, however unsurprised I might be by your pulling this crap.

You are a fool.  You are a clown in a circus of pathetic starving animals and uninspired juggling routines that invites only mockery from its audience.  I envision you with grease paint and floppy shoes, and this vision suits the name signed on your letter to me most perfectly.

If you wanted to do something good for humanity, you would put The Facts of Life back on the air and join me in the fight to destroy the Tobys!

Sincerely,

Werner Herzog

Last night I retrieved the snippet from Glübe jr..  As I promised myself before, I sat in complete darkness for a number of hours to before I allowed myself to view it.  I was shocked at what I saw.  Glübe jr. had decided that after his father died that it was up to him to finish the project.  In my estimation he has ruined Glübe’s initial vision.  The new version is slated to become a television sit-com called Mickey Loves Toby.  The most fascinating parts of the original film, those extraordinarily candid scenes involving the actual real life Tobys, are completely cut from the show, save for a quick montage of them during the opening credits.

Glübe jr. and I had a heated argument over this.  The situation, already grave, is graver still.